Why Rest Isn't Lazy: Learning to give myself permission to slow down

Welcome back friend!

Forewarning, this is a longer post. but if you've found yourself here, I think maybe you'll find a message in it that's meaningful. :)

At the start of this year, I found myself in the ER - I thought I was having a heart attack. For about a month prior to this event, I had been having tension in my back. It was a tight feeling that was isolated to my left flank, right around my bra strap line. As I mentioned, this pain was ongoing for little over a month. I had no clue what the cause was, and I all but ignored it due to my busy schedule. That is, until one day the pain became so intense I actually ended up leaving work early to go to the ER. You see, in good'ol Millennial fashion, I consulted with Web MD the night prior. In the process of my deep dive, I read multiple articles on how heart attacks tend to present differently in women than they do in men. Side note: Because knowledge is power, and we all need to look out for each other, I'm going to link an article from the American Heart Association below. This isn't to scare anyone into a hypochondriac spiral, but the more you know ... you know? That and the fact that heart attacks are much too common, and its better to know the signs and symptoms early on. So if you are a women, or there is a women in your life that you love - check it out.

Anywho! I'm in the ER getting worked up for all manner of illnesses, both physical and psychological. At this point, the doctor is well aware that nothing is physically wrong with me, but I appreciate that he was thorough in working me up anyway... I actually told the man that I feared I was having an aortic aneurysm, if not a heart attack. He chuckled, and said he usually sees something like that in old male patients who smoked 1 pack a day, for 10+ years. He proceeded with the ultrasound of my abdomen none the less. In my defense, back pain is a symptom of aortic aneurysm - look it up!

Long story short, I was fine - thank God! However, I did end up with a prescription for zoloft and muscle relaxers after following up with my primary the next day. You should know this wasn't my first time on anti-anxiety medication. But this time, the recommendation to go back on them felt like a punch to the gut. You see, for years I did the therapy, I did the alternative outlet thing - the yoga, the journaling, the walks in nature. I was doing all the things! And for a while, all my new found hobbies really did help me control my anxiety. So much so, I was able to taper off my medication. Since I was under the impression that my anxiety was well maintained, I didn't notice as it slowly tightened its grip on me. HOW could I be anxious if I am doing all these things to keep anxiety at bay? So in my mind, the next logical thing to consider was a heart attack. I know it seems weird, and maybe you can relate, but my brain just couldn't register my dysregulation since to me, my anxiety had already been addressed.

The realization truly took me aback. The fact that I was again in a state of such dysregulation made me feel like I failed. It felt like a slap in the face to all the work I put in to be "well". While this revelation was a tough pill to swallow, retrospectively I have to admit that I'm so happy I agreed to go back on anti-anxiety medication. The truth is I needed the extra help - more than I was going to get from journaling, or taking a few yoga classes. In fact, when the meds started to kick in, I actually cried for the version of myself who spent all that time unknowingly suffering. It was only at the point when I started to feel better, that I could actually realize the mental state I was in.

If I was doing all these things to make sure that I was keeping up with my mental health, how did I get to the point that my anxiety was manifesting in my body, causing physically pain, and required the need to get back on medication? That's the question, right? What changed?

In my introduction, I talked a little about my work. What I do now is actually a step down from my previous role. I wont get into what that job was, because that's really not the point. However, I will tell you that my previous job was one of the most demanding and stressful roles I have ever had. While it was important work, and I got a great deal of validation for the time and effort I put in - not to mention the prestige that came along with the title. I was putting in all that effort and hard work in spite of myself. The job, and everything that was required to be successful in the role, went against aspects of my life that I value most. I was dishonoring myself by staying in a role that didn't feel good to me. I had to go against myself everyday that I showed up to that job. So to answer the question of "what changed?", The answer is that I was saying "yes" to things that didn't align with my values. I was moving at a pace that was unnatural to me and was causing a disruption to my nervous system. Also, I was giving my "yes" for compensation that didn't add up. The pay was good, and the title was prestigious, but at the end of the day it wasn't worth it for me.

Now that I told you my story, I want to share with you a few things that I have learned along the way to ensure that I stay true to myself and I no long succumb to societal pressure to agree to things that don't serve me. If you have a story similar to mine, I hope you'll find these tips as helpful as I have:

1. Accepting help:

   This seems obvious, but can often be the most difficult. When you realize you are on the verge of sinking, don't let yourself drowned - take the life preserver. My mom always said "if someone wants to be a blessing to you, let them". So whether its talking to a friend or a counselor, someone offering to help you with a problem you've been having, or taking the prescription medication your MD thinks will support you on your wellness journey - if its something that's going to help you and add quality to your life - accept the help.

2. Make Changes where changes are due:

   We have autonomy to change the things in our lives that is not serving our highest good. In my case, this was my job. But the point is to avoid being so tied to something that is making you miserable. Life is precious and it's meant to be enjoyed. You are not as limited as you may think. Get creative and make changes to your life that align with you, and honor your "No" by walking away from the things that don't.

3. Prioritize the important things:

   important things first! This is probably one of the most important take aways of this post, and this has been one of the most transformative concepts that I've applied so far. If you want to try it out, here's what you're going to do. You're going to make a list of the things you value most. It should be specific, yet concise. Keep the list short, no more than 3-5. (Example: Ample quality time with my kids) When faced with a new opportunity - work, relationship, etc - always refer back to that list. Ask yourself, "does this opportunity align with my priorities?" (Example: If Offered this job, will it prevent me from having the quality time with my kids that I desire). Having a clear vision of your core values, allows you to make decisions that are in alignment with your highest good. If it doesn't align, honor your "No" and if it does, You know that opportunity is for you.

One of the priorities on my list is, allow time for rest - everyday. Not only has stress and the lack of rest been linked to an increased risk of chronic diseases and overall shorted life span, but my ordeal at the start of the year has reaffirmed that rest is essential to my well being, and it should be prioritized. I realize that there are moments in our lives when we have to muscle through to get things done. Unfortunately, we live in a society that associates monetary gain, statues, and success to that of a person who is always busy working and seldomly taking time for themselves. I'm writing this post to tell you that I don't believe that is true. You are the only one who can define what success looks like in your life. In my option, whatever it may be worth, If you are a person who is aware of your values, and lives a life that prioritizes the thing that are important to you, then you are more successful than most.

I took the long way to get to this point, but I have learned that I MUST consider the things that are most important to me when deciding whether or not to continue on with a project. I have to prioritize those things, honor the "no" I feel in my sprit, and take life at a pace that feels manageable to me - no matter how it compares to the lives of others. I encourage you to do that same.There are so many people who choose to stay in places that take life away from them. Whether it be work or relationships. One thing that I've learned is that you can't listen for what your spirit is telling you if you don't slow down enough to hear it.

As promised, the link to the AHA post. Seriously, check it out. Its a short easy read. Being informed might just save your life or the life of a loved one. <3

Link: Heart Attack Symptoms in Women | American Heart Association

-Amaris